Ossiander's Place

I know that no one in my life has told me that it would be fair.  Since I’ve actually become a grown up, and it didn’t happen when I was eighteen by the way, those rose colored glass have become more clear.  I know that life is not fair, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to stamp my feet like a child and scream about it’s unfairness.

As most of you know I recently suffered an ectopic pregnancy since losing my youngest daughter.  In all my reading through many different sites online, I’m finding I will have to wait until at least November to try for another baby.  Now not only has my chances of getting pregnant gone down by fifty percent, I have to wait even longer for my rainbow to come into my life.  I am not a patient person.  It is a virtue I lack in the worst way sometimes.  I can not even begin to explain my absolute NEED for another baby in my healing process.  I know that some people will understand while others think I’m absolutely off my rocker.  It’s perfectly okay.  I’ve been told that I’m just going to have to wait, that I should wait until I’m “over” the loss of Elin.  I will NEVER be over the loss of my child.  I will ache for her all of my days, even as I hold my other children.  I have accepted that she is not here with us.  I wish upon everything that is good on this earth that I could change it.  I can not.  I have accepted this as well.  That knowledge does not make everything better.  Acceptance does not put hope and joy back into my heart.

Speaking of acceptance, I am absolutely tired of hearing things like you just need to get back to your normal life.  This coming from my own doctor!  What the hell is normal anyway?  I get up every morning.  I take care of the munchkins and husband.  I laugh with them.  I play with them.  It is something I have to make myself do as I’d much rather not face the world at all most mornings but I do it all the same.  All the while I think about how I should have a three month old baby about now.  I look at the things I do with my oldest daughter and think I will never get to do this with Elin.  I will never get to put pretty pink bows in her beautiful brown hair as I dress up Linnea’s hair in the mornings.  I will never get to watch Elin sleeping as I sit and watch Linnea’s face as she is sleeping.  I will never get to watch Elin eat food as I’m wiping it from Linnea’s face and hair.  These are thoughts that sneak up and attack me when I least expect them to.  Don’t get me wrong I don’t analyze everything I do with my kids, but these thoughts are there.  Just like some days the thought of jumping in front of the next bus sounds good.  I don’t do it obviously as I am sitting here typing to the world.  If this is normal, I guess I have it completely pegged.

Well it is just about time to get my daughter from dagis……

I just want to say that I do have good days.  I tend to write in my blog when my days seem darkest.  Now I’m sure everyone thinks I need to be put into a padded cell, which even on good days might be true, but I am trying to climb this healing mountain.  On dark days it is so hard to see where to put my feet so I don’t fall.  I seem to slide back down a bit on my ass when I do fall.  Those days are the hardest.  That is why I write here.  To just get it all out so I don’t explode!  This is definitely not an easy burden to carry.  I feel like the entire world is on my shoulders and I have to learn how to carry it with me all of my days.

I still haven’t been able to bring myself to visit Elin’s grave.  I’m afraid to go in all honesty.  I’ve been trying so hard to just be okay and I know if I go I will lose it all over again.  Thinking about it is bringing tears to my eyes.  I miss her so much.

So the boys are laying down watching Star Wars and Linnea is at Farmor’s for the night.  Peter and I are probably going to lay down and watch a movie ourselves.  What I have no idea.  We have so many movies and half the time we just pick Lord of the Rings!

Yesterday marked the first day of my period after birthing and saying goodbye to Elin.  Normally it’s just a part of life as a woman.  Today it has upset me and I want it gone.  It’s a hard slap in the face, I am not pregnant anymore.  I would give anything to turn back the clock.  I ache so much.  My arms are empty and heavy.  My soul feels black and cold.  I feel like I’m slipping farther away from myself.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.  I feel like the loud, sarcastic, opinionated, crazy woman I once was has died.  She has been destroyed by the death of her child.  I don’t think I’ll ever find her again.

Time heals all wounds “they” say.  It is a LIE I tell you.  Time just makes you a better liar and sneak.  Time gives you the opportunity to hide the broken and shattered person you are from the world.  Put on that brave face and say I’m fine when someone asks how you are today, while you hide in the bathroom to cry.

I look in the mirror and I’m not really sure who it is that is looking back at me.  I don’t recognize this woman at all.  She looks so different than me.  She looks so tired.  She looks out of focus.  She looks like a woman constantly in pain.  Then I realized it is me.  I’m looking at myself.  I look so different than I did just last month.  It makes me sad.

We buried our Daughter yesterday.  Elin’s body now rests with all the other angel babies.  The ceremony was beautiful.  My oldest daughter bringing a little light to the whole thing.  She was so sweet wiping my youngest son’s face as he cried.  My husband and I carried Elin’s casket together.  It was so small.

I feel relieved that it is over.  I’ve felt like a cartoon character that is being followed around by one lone cloud, raining only on me as we’ve been waiting to have the funeral.  We should have done this weeks ago.

Now I’m just trying to figure out what to do with myself.  I take care of the kids, we play, we’ll be going out and doing fun things over the summer but I feel so hollow and dead inside.  Like I just exist but nothing more.

So we went to the doctor today.  All our cultures and blood tests came back just fine.  Elin did not die because of an infection.  The doctor said there was a true knot in her cord, while they are not sure this is the cause at this point, they are making sure to have a good look at it.   They are doing a biopsy on the placenta to check for clots.  That is all we know at this point.

She did tell us that the chances of this happening again are just the same as any other pregnancy since all the test results that did come back were okay.  Medically we are free to try for another child whenever we feel we are up for it psychologically.  We will be letting God make that decision for us.

In a small, very minuscule, way I feel a little peace from the answers we got today.  This wasn’t my fault.  The doctor told me I had done everything right.  Losing weight (I have plenty to spare), eating right, exercising.

I miss my angel so very much.  We are burying her tomorrow.  In all honesty, I wish we had done this only days after her birth rather than weeks.  As the day has been approaching I’ve felt like this doom is hanging over my head.  I have been a complete wreck.  Crying every time I turn around.  I want to start on our long, rocky road to some kind of healing.  We will never “get over” this, it will hurt forever, but I know someday we will be strong enough to bare the weight of this pain.

I may not be able to stick a stamp on this and mail it, but I know He can read it anytime he chooses.

Dear God,

I want to know why.  Why do you get to hold my baby and I don’t?  I am the one who is suppose to protect her in this world.  I am the one who is suppose to hold her.  I am suppose to be the one to love her.  Why did You have to take her???  Did I do something so terrible in my life that I have to be tortured?  Why does it feel like you hate me?  I am so angry, in fact I am to the boiling point of pissed off.  She didn’t deserve to die.  Caskets shouldn’t come so small that only one person need carry it!

I’m tired of hearing that good comes from all things.  NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS!!!!  There is a huge gaping hole inside me that will never heal properly.  Every time we do anything, there will always be someone missing that should be enjoying it with us.  There will be no firsts for Elin.  We will never get to throw her a party to celebrate her birth, no presents for her on Christmas, no food thrown on the floor at Thanksgiving, no egg filled to the brim with candy on Easter for her, no pretty dresses to twirl, no pretty ribbons for her hair.  I will never get to hear her say I love you mamma.  I will never get to kiss her owies.  I will never get to read her a story.  I will never get to hear her sing a song in the language of toddlers.

What did I do wrong?  Why do I need to be tortured?????  Why can’t I have my baby girl?  WHY ARE YOU SO SELFISH THAT YOU FELT THE NEED TO KEEP HER TO YOURSELF????  She was mine and I want her back!